canoodle_me

i may have wished for many things in this life,
and i may or may not have gotten most of them.
i will not wish for something as grand as world peace
all i want is to feel this contented my remaining life.

i never asked for anything more than contentment,
and i hope this time, after 22 years i will have it.

we didnt do anything today for my birthday,
we just drove to barrage and played with the dog
then we just ran around and taught him to fetch.

had dinner at thai accent then sat and watched the sun set.
but i feel happy. i found my happy. :)

today after this annoying guy called seow hong annoyed me like 32479985095 times since i met him. can you imagine that? someone annoying you since the day you met? yes as of the last time he annoyed me, i decided that the next time, i will ask him to fuck off.

so yesterday he annoyed me and i raised my middle finger then flicked it.

and you know what? he thought i was joking.
and that annoyed me more.

i really enjoyed today.

i had one hell of a conversation with you that i think i'll not forget. and i think twenty years from now, you will still remember that image of me peeking at you. no photos. even with no photos.

we talked so much, the sun set and we were still talking. we talked about past lives and future life. life after death and death. we talked about our dreams and envisioned the future. we talked about the things we see; both good and bad in each other. we talked about our view of other people. then we reminisced about friendster and our first date. we talked about the last time we sat at that spot singing songs. we talked about lights on top of cranes and how the cable car is no more. then we laid down and talked about stars. we talked about the north star and compasses. then we started making faces at each other. today we laughed and cried.

i hope we will never die.

maybe in our past life, i may have left you on a voyage and never came back because i died at sea. maybe you were forced to marry a plantation owner. maybe anything, but we know that sometime in the past, we shared a moment like today. and in our future life, i'm sure you will be the boy and you will marry me. and we will be happy like now.

i do not normally believe in astrology, but i cannot help but see this apparent link.

taurus people seriously need to stop mindfucking everyone around them.
if you want something, ASK. DIRECTLY.
dont hint and create situations to get what you want.

once people see through you, you look like a clown.

if you are a taurian, please try not to do this.
trust me, people really appreciate honesty more than being manipulated into doing things.

i talked to greenpeas today and i realised something. even after many years of nearly zero contact, i could easily talk to her again. and i couldnt help thinking about why. after we gave each other the puzzle pieces the other held, and pieced together a picture long abandoned, i realised it really didnt matter what the missing piece was.

perhaps that is what friendship is. or maybe the magical connection we share with select people. you dont need to talk frequently but each time you do, you just know that there is something, and you are never filling the void, but always building on something.

perhaps like a bridge. once you establish that something you and that person share, there is a bridge. some people, you can spend a lifetime and still you will not even get a plank.

singapore's henderson bridge made it to the top few most beautiful bridges in the world. i like bridges. i used to like looking at the headlights of cars from an overhead bridge. that momentary blindness felt nice. bridges bring you places and keep you above danger. they also bring you closer to the sky. i like them.



We tried to fight for what we thought that we believed in
Maybe it was all for nothing (I bet that it was all for nothing)
So we drive 'cause we like to be alone
There's nowhere for us to go
There's nowhere for us to go

How can you think that any of this was easy
With all the friends I've lost along the way?
When this is over, we're all getting older now
And we all play a part in it
Innocence is falling, can you hear them calling now?
But I'll be by your side until the end

To all my friends, let's make this count
We're not alone, not alone

the end - mayday parade

hello worm.
yes, you. hi :)

the thing about weight that makes it so evil is that it knows how to weave its way into your life then camp there and remain immobile that after a while of carrying it, you no longer are aware of it's presence. Whether the weight was imposed on you, or you willingly carried it under some form of coercion or delusion, at some point in time, you will neglect it's presence, but it is there.

then come a point when the sensations of your being comes into question and you will start to feel the strain it has caused. You now view it as a tumour, sucking energy and life out of you, and you want to amputate it, but you cannot. Because after such a long time of shouldering this weight, it has inter-woven itself into your identity, like tapestry. If you insist on removing it, a part of your identity leaves you, and the void would consume you.

However, leaving it there would result in a long term pain, further delusion will result in a far greater strain. Hence i am often afraid to let people know what weights i see they carry.

for example, do you know of someone in a relationship and you know that their partners are not making them happy? add kids into the equation. I believe that person is living in self denial but it would be far too dangerous to make them question the concept of 'happiness'. It would force them to face their realities, and trust me, most people's greatest fear is facing reality.

weights are evil, conniving, manipulative and masters of disguise much like taurus people. yes i am equating here.

i always strive for perfection though i don't believe that there will ever be a point of perfection.

everything in life is like a painting, it is never finished, only abandoned by the artist.

(stole the latter quote)

i'm gonna watch inception when its out. :)

:D

i have really really good friends. like really really good.
if i ever hurt you my friends, your kind actions have made me feel really bad.

i think in life, there are always gives and takes.
nothing can be 100%.

my new year resolution is being fought by my devil and my angel.
i havent decided who wins.

a life not lived to the fullest is a life lost.

legs not used to their maximum potential are wasted legs, and the pain of the waste can only be felt by the paralysed, who would give anything just to walk.

a brain not used is wasted good brain, and the want for better is felt in the heart of the mentally challenged, who is laughed at by the one who appreciates their brain the least.

a chance to choose is wasted on one who makes choices without thinking, without wanting. and the pain of not being able to choose, can only be understood by the one with no choice.

time is a luxury for the young and healthy. the pain of wasted time hangs in the heart of the one who has limited time to live, who wished they could have just a little more time to achieve and fulfill. yet some one us choose to sleep all our time away.

the list goes on. we are able bodied, blessed with a good brain yet some of us choose to waste our lives, not grabbing on to every minute we have, not appreciating.

if you cannot live your life to the fullest, you should be ashamed of yourself.

my results were awsome!
i'm happy :D my gpa went up.

and i think this year i might get to play ivp.
:D

ytd was the most tiring day i had in 2009.

we had friendlies with plmgs int he morning at 9am.
i fetched some of the team to pl.
from 9am to 1230pm, we played nonstop.
the coach didnt even give me time to dry my sweat.
then i offered to go with the pl girl to get drinks.
so there was more work done.

after friendlies, coach and me drove the team to ah fang to eat lunch
we ate like pigs la.
but my car made a stop over at yuqin's place for her to pack.

then it was to school to play inter-hall games.
by this time i swear my brain cannot function anymore.
my hall lost to hall 11 but i won my match.

then i drove py and myself back to hall to bathe and then had to rush again
to loui's party.

it was a long drive with crazy traffic.

at the party, i impromtu emcee-ed with peimin.
i really wanted to do something for loui :)

i had a fun time there, then i drove some people home.
by 10 pm my brain couldnt function anymore.

i was either driving playing or talking.

not to mention i had a bad sleep the night before.
i woke up at 5am though i slept at 2.
totally crashed, and today was supp to go kbox with the team,
but i have a fever now.

but you know what? tmr is wednesday! someone's coming home!

choices

written by nellie

making choices has nothing to do with luck and chance. some define it as a fight, a struggle between the heart and the brain. what they don't realise is that it is more than a struggle between the heart and the brain, and honestly those are just organs. what the fight is about really, are the opposites; logic and emotion, as well as id and ego.

we can use fate or luck or chance or god's will, whichever you may choose to use as a mere name for this action. perhaps we flip a coin, or use the colour of the next car that passes by as a means to choose, but really, that is just escaping the blame of choosing. escaping the consequence of your action, then maybe you can blame something else, something preordained or something purely coincidental instead of your poor choice making. maybe this eases your guilt, but really, its a delusional method for the disillusioned.

there is actually a science behind making a choice. normally its between a and b, and you just have to choose one. likely hood if you are having difficulty, it is because everyone is telling you to choose a but you want to choose b, and likely a is the logical choice but b is the emotional choice. either way, it does not matter. in your mind, your subconscious has already made a choice, and that is b. because if all reason sways to one end, you ought to make that call. but you might choose to let your conscious mind make the choice. that is where your id and ego comes into play.

to me, really there are only two choices. it is not rocket science. it is simple to choose. there is not right and wrong choice, there is only the best choice. make the best choice, it is as simple as that. why let everything else tip your scale and make things 93285709325 times more difficult that it is. just make the best choice.

what is the best choice?
the one that is best for the situation. selfish selfless whatever, you weigh it.

thats my two cents worth on choices.

though the bible states that you should only have sex with your married partner, we all know that is not going to happen. so unless you want september babies, kindly take the following ads from germany seriously.





so use protection kids! there are at least 7 different types of condoms. since my readers are mainly women, if he's too ashamed to buy one, be too ashamed to sleep with him.
:D

ashes and flint
I held her ashes, feeling it crumble into finer powder. There were murmurs at the back, something about her tragic end, I was not listening intently. There were bigger pieces of her in the jar, and I was supposed to place one of the big pieces in there. Now, only pieces, not of flesh but of bone none the less. The rest all reduced into powder. I went through with the customary rituals to ensure she had a safe journey onward. On to where I had no idea, I doubted she wanted to go anywhere anyway if I was here. Was my love in that powder?

I have no idea why I did not have any reactions or why i even felt this numbness toward anything. An outward display of distress was not my thing. It was for those unable to control their outburst and those who felt the need to behave a certain way for other people to watch and agree with. I was the type that laughed at funerals, cried at graduations and wished the groom and bride all the best because it would be half a miracle if they didn’t end up in a divorce.

That night, I took out the bit of powder I stole from my pocket. I looked at it for a while, and laughed.
‘baby I have to resort to stealing you, you know? just like how I stole your heart and your time and love from everyone else. After a while, you gave it to me willingly, all of it. Perhaps the Stockholm syndrome was more prevalent than we think, you think?’

there was no answer, I wasn’t expecting one.

I swallowed some of the powder, and looked at the city lights. I felt you right there, near me, watching with me. I smiled.

and pulled the trigger.

:) have a good holiday!

best song i've heard whole year round.

the growing up years.

we keep thinking about going back, back to the time when we were the bachelors of everything, the virgins of every nook and cranny. We hate how we become the fucked up skanks of the ways of the world. because it is indeed fucked up, and it fucks us up. Who ever told us that it only fucks the amount of yourself you are willing to let up, was lying.

there was no way we could anticipate the damage, no way we could have taken preventive measures. we could either cower in our shells or put ourselves out there to live and experience life; fucked up or not.

so if we cower in our shells, we wind up the mountain tortoise, unwise, unworldly and should the opportunity knock on our shell, we’re likely to wind up cheated and lost. but if we put ourselves out there, we lose some parts of us too, and slowly it changes you. although we never can control what happens, we can control how we deal with what happens.

so until I know what is next, I will let you know.